Day 01: 1500 hours
Mr. Thumb didn't say it would be like this.
alluded to the impending change, hinted at the grandeur - but the
scale of it all. My god- what have I fallen into?
thought I knew my world- I knew it as I knew myself, every rounded,
pulsing finger-length of space! But this- this is not the darkness
of my home!
Day 01: 1501 hours
I begin to doubt my sanity. I cling to the
words of Sartre: "Burn baby burn, for tonight the world is ours."
The words that comforted me so well just hours ago- they strain
to make me happy.
feel an . . . emptiness around me. As if the world no longer compresses
me in its fist. The emptiness is overwhelming- as if, unbidden,
the universe had doubled in size, tripled against all reason! I
must be strong. I must confront the question I am afraid to ask:
if the world is so different- am I the same? On what scale do I
Is this hubris?
can I turn? Camus, Hemingway, not even Rilke prepared me for this
difference I feel inside me. Oh friends, why did you not warn me?
This emptiness within, as if the universe contained a substance,
somewhere, that I lack, the imbibing of which will bring wholeness
and peace. But what? How shall I find it?
Day 01: 1502 hours
Am I going mad?
Day 01: 1506 hours
Fell asleep again. Why does this keep happening
Day 01: 1508 hours
Breathing in. Breathing out. Focusing on
this one thing- the intake, the outflow, the choice of whether to
use Mr. Nose or Mr. Mouth. Making just this one thing my world for
a time has made all the difference. If I can manage this, I can
Day 01: 1510 hours
I have mastered this "breathing." It is
if I had done it all my life. I amaze myself. And yet, stirring
within me- the emptiness of . . . something. A hunger, I might say.
But for what?
Day 01: 1511 hours
A most amazing thing has happened. Which
surprises me anew to say, on this, a day of unimaginable surprises.
I . . . cannot describe it. Cannot begin to comprehend what has
happened to me. I will attempt to regain my self and describe this
wonder. It was just moments ago- I believed I would perhaps faint
with the emptiness slightly to the south of Ms. Heart. When suddenly,
against all understanding, an unstoppable force splayed my lips
and forced a . . . something up against my gums! I must admit I
panicked then, oh how I flailed and leapt! But to no avail- when
suddenly, against my own wishes I found myself turning, and taking
in the very substance I had been craving!
wonderful life is this when the very answers to our most intimate
fears cancel each other out? Leaving us in a langorous delirium,
too drunk with pleasure to fight care's easy grasp? What insatiable,
glorious world have I fallen into? Huzzah!
Day 01: 1515 hours
All this time I have been relating, attempting
to describe to my friends, my companions, even to the most notorious
Biggie Toe, what is happening to me. An attempt to explain this
unexplainable, sudden existance of sensation and satiation. Yet
all this time there has been a pressing. A pressing on my eyelids
in a most unusual way. I am loathe to discuss it, lest my companions
think me mad. Yet, I sense there is more- more to my eyelids than
I ever suspected- a hidden power, if you will.
I try it out?
shall exercise this new will before me and I shall open my eyes.
Day 01: 1520 hours
My. Dear. Companions. It's all around me.
Everything is all around me. Color. Sensation beyond description.
it is glorious! Kind of fuzzy, but glorious!